Spinning like a top!

So I went for a diagnostic mammogram.  After being so squished that I could not believe it, but could certainly feel it, the doctor told me that there was no tumor!  Padget's is usually accompanied by a tumor so this is wonderful news.  I posted this on facebook and decided no blog was needed, this was going to be easy to beat!  But is was not to be. 
A few days later I got a call from Huntsman.  Even with a clear mammogram they wanted an ultrasound to be sure.  SO I tripped off to the Huntman South Jordan location to get it done.  Sadly I was out with Josh at the time.  We walked into that center and he just lost it.  It brought back so many memories from when he was sick that he couldn't eat and was totally on edge.  He did not get any better when the ultrasound found a tumor.  That meant an hour on the phone screaming at insurance and a biopsy that I was not prepared for.  Several hours later we were on the way home and I realized that the first casualty of this was not my body or me at all but my children. 
I wept to know that they are going through this with me.  They have done cancer and don't need to do it again.  Rachel is anxious and Miriam follows me around like I might disappear.  She told me she had a dream where I was bald and then I died.  I sat her down and told her she needs to pray.  I told her that she needs to pray for peace and I told her that Heavenly Father cares about her.  He cares for us all and takes care of us all.  I told her to remember the blessing I had and to believe.
I don't mind having this beast.  One in four woman get this and I am not special so it is just the way it is but I do mind hurting these little ones.  I could not be blessed with better children and I am so sorry to put them back in this dark place.  I pray for them, and Gordon.  I will be fine.
As for the tumor?  Who knows we wait for pathology and answers.