Return from the Dead

I am alive!  I have been home from the hospital since Monday (apparently this is an outpatient procedure) and we have been surrounded with food and flowers and gifts.  I am not hurting too bad if I am careful and able to sit and visit.  I have one drain and look horrible but it is not too bad.  I want to thank the many people who have stopped by and brought meals and flowers.  I have not written before  this because I am afraid to jinx it.  I am still holding my breath.  I want to heal well and know that this will take some time so I am being cautious.  But today someone said they had been wondering how I was and I realized I needed to post.  I will keep doing what I have to and appreciate the continued prayers. 
I am humbled by the love I have been shown.  My body looks so bad now but never have so many made me feel beautiful.  I am beginning to see what beauty truly is.  It is not about how we look but the strength of our hearts.  I hope to heal quickly and get back to the work of being beautiful.  Thank you.

I am Back!

I am excited to say I am done whining and feeling sorry for myself.  The hardest part of this is that this cancer and the doctors have made all my choices.  I want my girls to see a better way, I want them  to feel good about themselves no matter how they look and to be powerful.  So today I made my first choice...I cut my hair.  17 inches came off to donate to make wigs for kids and I feel so different but for the first time in  long time, I feel like myself.  I hope you like it!

Surgery and Answers

I find myself wanting to start with good news but I just don't feel like there is any.  My genetic test came back negative.  That should be good news but then the doctor said that means there really isn't any reason for my cancer.  It just happened.  That is a hard pill to swallow today.  Because of that they are only taking the left breast.  That should also be good news but since I don't get to do reconstruction that means I will be lopsided.  I will end up flat on one side and too big on the other.  Surgery is scheduled for Monday  the 21th.  I will have a drain for about 2 weeks and then I will need another 2 before I go back to work.  Then it will all be over.  No cancer, no other surgery, no treatment needed.  I feel empty, like I will never be whole again.  So many people have said that I am lucky that I don't need chemo, and that is true.  I am sure many will say wow, you don't need to lose both breasts and that is true.  I will heal faster without reconstruction, that is true.  I am lucky I found it so early, that is true.  So why don't I feel lucky?  All I feel is tired.

So where does that leave me?  I get through it, I keep walking forward.  I keep praying and trying to do my best.  I thank God for my blessings and let the rest go.  I look for ways to serve and be needed.  I know I don't know the reason for all things.  But I need to be patient and wait.  I want to say  that  I know that God lives.  I know that there is a plan for my life.  Man is that he might have joy.  So go laugh a little and I will work on being more grateful.  I will stop whining and find a way to be more happy.  I didn't have a choice to have cancer, I don't get to choose how to deal with it.  But I can choose to be happy.

It's A Low Point

Today was one of the lowest points of my life.  My surgeon sent me to a plastic surgeon to plan reconstruction.  I have been on the fence but felt like when I talked with the doctor I would know what to do.  Well, I know now. 
I went into the appointment.  A resident came in an talked about the options.  She was very nice and said the doctor would come right in.  We waited and he came in.  He sat down, he never examined me, he didn't ask any questions.  He told me that obese people can have complications like infection and that I should wait till I am at my "optimal weight" and then he would be glad to do a reconstruction.  I was shocked, I said that the reason obese people have more complications is that they generally have diabetes and high blood pressure and other problems but I don't have any of those.  He then told me "well if you do really good during your mastectomy maybe we can talk about it but I should lose at least 20-30 pounds first"
I have never felt so bad.  He basically told me that because I am fat I don't matter.  I feel like I have let Gordon down (he says that isn't so) .  I have never felt good about myself, never felt pretty, but having this cancer and the prospect of losing my breasts has been really hard.  I feel like I will be scarred and ugly.  Now I feel worse.
The upshot of it is that I will not be doing reconstruction.  I can not do it now, it is too hard.  Knowing what people think if me hurts so much, I could not possibly face another doctor.  I will meet with the surgeon on Monday and plan the surgery and move on from there.

I know Heavenly Father loves me but today I truly wonder why.  I feel like I just keep falling short.  Tomorrow will be better and I will try to do and be better but today was not so great.