Today was one of the lowest points of my life. My surgeon sent me to a plastic surgeon to plan reconstruction. I have been on the fence but felt like when I talked with the doctor I would know what to do. Well, I know now.
I went into the appointment. A resident came in an talked about the options. She was very nice and said the doctor would come right in. We waited and he came in. He sat down, he never examined me, he didn't ask any questions. He told me that obese people can have complications like infection and that I should wait till I am at my "optimal weight" and then he would be glad to do a reconstruction. I was shocked, I said that the reason obese people have more complications is that they generally have diabetes and high blood pressure and other problems but I don't have any of those. He then told me "well if you do really good during your mastectomy maybe we can talk about it but I should lose at least 20-30 pounds first"
I have never felt so bad. He basically told me that because I am fat I don't matter. I feel like I have let Gordon down (he says that isn't so) . I have never felt good about myself, never felt pretty, but having this cancer and the prospect of losing my breasts has been really hard. I feel like I will be scarred and ugly. Now I feel worse.
The upshot of it is that I will not be doing reconstruction. I can not do it now, it is too hard. Knowing what people think if me hurts so much, I could not possibly face another doctor. I will meet with the surgeon on Monday and plan the surgery and move on from there.
I know Heavenly Father loves me but today I truly wonder why. I feel like I just keep falling short. Tomorrow will be better and I will try to do and be better but today was not so great.
You are a beautiful person to me. I remember having you for a roommate for a few short weeks in Tempe, and that was so fun. You always made me laugh. And I'm sure you would again if we got to spend time together. You are loved and you will be blessed through all of this! :)
ReplyDeleteI honestly believe that you are a beautiful daughter of God. God has not forgotten about you. I promise. I can promise you that life is truly hard, but if hold on to HOPE then it will be okay in the end. HOPE...Hold On Pain Ends. You are seriously one of the funniest ladies i know. I love running into you at church, and church activities. You always put a smile on my face. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteRuth,
ReplyDeleteThis is sister Jackson who served in the peatland Ward. You are fantastic. You are beautiful. You are strong and mighty. You are stunning and your smile and light radiates. Cancer is a mighty adversary without having awful Doctor in the mix. I am so sorry for his unkind and unwarranted attacks on you. we will be praying for you this week and I hope you know the beauty you bring to this world!
Ruth, I truly believe...and believe me when I say this...that you are beautiful inside and out. You are beautiful and amazing and loving and selfless and brave and funny and strong and I am truly blessed to be able to call you my friend. I am a better person because you have touched my life...because you are apart of my life. Don't let people pull you down. Some people are blind to the beauty, capacity and spirit that a person has. I know it is easier said then done but don't let what others think drive how you feel about yourself. Let those who are blind go and continue to shine like you have always shone in my eyes since the day we met. You are loved by so many who love you for just being Ruth Jones...and that is enough! You have nothing to prove. You are beautiful and amazing just as you are. I love the dicken's right out of you! I am always here for you.
ReplyDeleteRuth, I truly believe...and believe me when I say this...that you are beautiful inside and out. You are beautiful and amazing and loving and selfless and brave and funny and strong and I am truly blessed to be able to call you my friend. I am a better person because you have touched my life...because you are apart of my life. Don't let people pull you down. Some people are blind to the beauty, capacity and spirit that a person has. I know it is easier said then done but don't let what others think drive how you feel about yourself. Let those who are blind go and continue to shine like you have always shone in my eyes since the day we met. You are loved by so many who love you for just being Ruth Jones...and that is enough! You have nothing to prove. You are beautiful and amazing just as you are. I love the dicken's right out of you! I am always here for you.
ReplyDeleteGet a new doctor. This one can't see that you are beautiful, find one that can. This doctor does not have the deciding opinion. Heavenly Father is the one who has and knows all truth and HE knows that you are beautiful. Reject this man's false words and you will be led to someone who can and will help you.
ReplyDeleteRuth I am so sorry- getting a second opinion is always an option for you.. Please don't feel like that doctors word is end-all/be-all. However, what I got from this is that you do matter. Doctors often lack tact, and I know that would have hurt my feelings too, especially if his tone of voice and body language didn't make up for the bad news... But bottom line is, it sounds like he wants the reconstruction to be as successful as possible and he wants you to have least possible complications. If any reconstruction surgery was required after the removal of my cancer, I promise you I would have been told the same thing. First of all, I think a great start would be to reassign these feelings you're having of sadness and worthlessness into motivation and optimism. You can take this issue into your own hands. And at the end, you'll not only be cancer free (and chemo free! YAY!) but you'll look damn good, too!! You are a fighter and a survivor. Heaven knows I need to lose at LEAST 20-30lbs. Want to do it together??
ReplyDeleteYou are so brave Ruth. I could never put myself out there like you do! That is the mark of a truly strong person. Don't forget that!
ReplyDeleteRuth, I met with a neurosurgeon a couple years ago. He and his staff looked at me as if I had the plague when I got there. Then the doctor said that all I needed to do was lose weight and my back pain would disappear. He even referred me to a gastric bypass surgeon. I was left feeling like a worthless, blob; so I had the surgery and it almost killed me, more than once. And I am not kidding one bit. Then I was close to death when my primary doctor sent me to Clear Lake ER. There I spoke with a wonderful general surgeon. He found my intestines all twisted up, and again I almost died and was in ICU for 2 weeks in a drug induced coma. Two surgeries in one month and almost died in both, total of 7 units of blood. And I still had to have back surgery. At least the doctor that did it never mentioned my weight. He did however fix the herniated disc and had to do a spinal fusion. It took 3 back surgeries to fix me up. PLEASE, do NOT give up because of some stupid jackass of a doctor. And by the way, you are beautiful, inside and out. I love you....
ReplyDeleteMy dear sweet sister I hope you know how loved you are just by being who you are. Do not believe the labels that others put on you and do your best to free yourself from any personal labels which is so hard for all of us. You have so many amazing qualities that have nothing to do with the body with breasts with anything physical. I know Gordon loves you with all his heart and he would not change you for the world and is behind you in every decision you make about this. I wish you knew how much you inspire me and I'm sure others with your kindness your thoughtfulness your ability to accept others, your strength your humor your heart. you mean the world to so many people and even if you have no arms and legs you would still be an amazing and a very dear person to me. You have some of the finest qualities of heart that the human body could never measure up to. The Lord hears you and knows all the lives you impact ask him what you're meant to learn from this poop situation and let's get a ladies night going as soon as possible. Xoxo
ReplyDeleteMy dear sweet sister I hope you know how loved you are just by being who you are. Do not believe the labels that others put on you and do your best to free yourself from any personal labels which is so hard for all of us. You have so many amazing qualities that have nothing to do with the body with breasts with anything physical. I know Gordon loves you with all his heart and he would not change you for the world and is behind you in every decision you make about this. I wish you knew how much you inspire me and I'm sure others with your kindness your thoughtfulness your ability to accept others, your strength your humor your heart. you mean the world to so many people and even if you have no arms and legs you would still be an amazing and a very dear person to me. You have some of the finest qualities of heart that the human body could never measure up to. The Lord hears you and knows all the lives you impact ask him what you're meant to learn from this poop situation and let's get a ladies night going as soon as possible. Xoxo
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