Surgery and Answers

I find myself wanting to start with good news but I just don't feel like there is any.  My genetic test came back negative.  That should be good news but then the doctor said that means there really isn't any reason for my cancer.  It just happened.  That is a hard pill to swallow today.  Because of that they are only taking the left breast.  That should also be good news but since I don't get to do reconstruction that means I will be lopsided.  I will end up flat on one side and too big on the other.  Surgery is scheduled for Monday  the 21th.  I will have a drain for about 2 weeks and then I will need another 2 before I go back to work.  Then it will all be over.  No cancer, no other surgery, no treatment needed.  I feel empty, like I will never be whole again.  So many people have said that I am lucky that I don't need chemo, and that is true.  I am sure many will say wow, you don't need to lose both breasts and that is true.  I will heal faster without reconstruction, that is true.  I am lucky I found it so early, that is true.  So why don't I feel lucky?  All I feel is tired.

So where does that leave me?  I get through it, I keep walking forward.  I keep praying and trying to do my best.  I thank God for my blessings and let the rest go.  I look for ways to serve and be needed.  I know I don't know the reason for all things.  But I need to be patient and wait.  I want to say  that  I know that God lives.  I know that there is a plan for my life.  Man is that he might have joy.  So go laugh a little and I will work on being more grateful.  I will stop whining and find a way to be more happy.  I didn't have a choice to have cancer, I don't get to choose how to deal with it.  But I can choose to be happy.